How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Snoring

Key Takeaways

• Snoring is common in adults and can contribute to daytime sleepiness, relationship friction, and sometimes, long-term health issues.
• Talking to a partner about snoring is a delicate topic, so it’s important to remain calm and empathetic.
• Consult a medical professional if snoring doesn’t let up with lifestyle changes or if it’s accompanied by signs of sleep apnea, like pauses in breathing or gasping for air.

Why Snoring Can Be a Sensitive Topic

Telling your partner they snore may make them feel embarrassed or guilty. They may react defensively. In part, this could stem from feeling frustrated or helpless. 

While there are plenty of snoring remedies, your partner may worry that these could be invasive, expensive, or difficult to access. They may feel like they have a problem they can’t easily solve, and that this problem is affecting you.

Since snoring doesn’t usually wake the sleeper, it’s even possible they might deny they snore. So, make sure to keep calm throughout the conversation and avoid blaming your partner. Be understanding of how they’re feeling and reassure them that you only want the best for both of you.

How to Prepare for the Conversation

Plan to hold the conversation in a relaxing and neutral environment where you can speak privately. Try to avoid doing it after a night of bad sleep or in the middle of the night. To help the conversation go more smoothly, pick a time when neither of you is distracted or has to rush off.

Frame the conversation as a joint project with the common goal of helping both of you sleep better, rather than making it seem like you’re blaming your partner. Keep in mind that they don’t consciously control their snoring.

Before the conversation, take notes on the times when your partner snores most, how often and how loudly they snore, and whether you notice any pauses in breathing. Pay attention to when their snoring is louder. These details can help the two of you decide how best to tackle the snoring and whether your partner should get tested for sleep apnea.

Tips for Talking to Your Partner About Snoring

Sticking to some practical ground rules can help pave the way for success when talking to your partner about snoring.

1. Be Empathetic 

As you begin the conversation, reassure your partner that you know they’re not purposely snoring in order to keep you awake, and that their snoring doesn’t make you love them any less. You simply want to look for a solution together that can help both of you sleep better, strengthen the relationship, and prevent health problems down the line.

Let them know that this issue is important to you, but acknowledge that they might not be aware just how much it’s disrupting your sleep. Being constructive and encouraging. Letting them know you’re in it together is more helpful than nagging or criticizing.

2. Record Them Snoring

Hearing a recording of their own snoring can be helpful, especially if your partner doesn’t realize how loud it is. Phone apps may also offer a good way to measure snoring.

Make sure the video or audio doesn’t feel mocking, and don’t use it to attack them. The goal isn’t to make your partner feel guilty or judged. Calmly explain that you just want them to hear it for themselves.

3. Look for a Solution Together 

Taking the first step to reduce snoring can feel intimidating, and your partner may not know where to start. Support them by showing them you’re ready to tackle the problem together. 

You can start with simple lifestyle changes and over-the-counter snoring solutions that are readily available in a drugstore or online, such as:

• Reducing nasal congestion with nasal strips, spray, or a decongestant
• Wearing an anti-snoring mouthpiece
• Using an anti-snoring pillow
• Avoiding back sleeping 
• Raising the head of the bed
• Losing excess weight
• Cutting down on smoking and alcohol, especially before bed

While you and your partner work to find a long-term solution to the snoring, you may find it helpful to wear earplugs, use a white noise machine, or sleep in separate bedrooms. In the video above, sleep expert Dr. Michael Breus suggests sleeping apart just a few nights a week, to preserve intimacy while still allowing both parties to get much-needed rest.

Turning away from your partner or moving further away in bed can also make the snoring less loud. Dr. Breus recommends trying a “pillow wall,” which helps capture some of the sound before it can travel to your side of the bed.

4. Focus on the Positives

Rather than reiterate how annoying you find their snoring, try to make your partner see the benefits for them if they decide to seek treatment. Remind them that you’ll be more likely to sleep in the same room and that your relationship will likely improve. 

Multiple studies have found that after treating snoring, sleep and quality of life improve for both the bed partner and the person who snores. And, of course, treating snoring is important for reducing the risk of long-term health problems.

Among other things, Dr. Breus notes that “undiagnosed and untreated sleep apnea affect weight gain — or, more specifically, the ability to lose weight is dampened dramatically. So, if you are trying to lose weight, this needs to be fixed ASAP.”

Plus, he says, “Undiagnosed and untreated sleep apnea affects sexual function — specifically erection — and arousal.” Fortunately, he also notes that treatment usually helps resolve this issue, which boasts double benefits for your relationship.

When Snoring Could Be a Sign of Sleep Apnea

Snoring can sometimes be a sign of obstructive sleep apnea (OSA), a sleep disorder in which the throat narrows during sleep and blocks the flow of oxygen. Your partner may have OSA if their snoring is accompanied by other symptoms, such as:

• Gasping or choking during sleep
• Periods of stopped breathing
• Morning tiredness or non-restorative sleep
• Morning headaches
• Brain fog or sleepiness throughout the day
• Obesity or high blood pressure

Even in the absence of these sleep apnea symptoms, research suggests people who snore frequently are much more likely to have OSA.

Dr. Breus warns that “undiagnosed and untreated sleep apnea and snoring can easily lead to significant cardiovascular problems, including atrial fibrillation, stroke, and death — you don’t want any of those.”

In the past, sleep apnea could only be diagnosed through a professional sleep study carried out in a sleep lab. Now, moderate to severe cases of sleep apnea can often be diagnosed more comfortably using an at-home sleep study, like the one offered by Sleep Doctor. 

Sleep Doctor’s test measures breathing patterns, oxygen levels, and heart rate, and includes a virtual consultation with a licensed healthcare provider who reviews the results and explains what they mean.

If the test confirms sleep apnea, Sleep Doctor connects you with a dedicated Sleep Care Advocate who helps you and your partner understand the diagnosis and explore treatment options. When sleep apnea is linked to a specific anatomical issue, such as a deviated septum, your provider may recommend seeing an ENT specialist. 

Otherwise, Sleep Doctor will guide you through proven treatment options such as CPAP therapy or oral appliances, helping you choose the solution that best fits your partner’s needs.

What to Do if the Conversation Doesn’t Go Well 

It’s normal to meet with friction or embarrassment when attempting to talk to a partner about snoring. If the conversation has stopped being productive, or if one or both of you is becoming angry, step away and suggest coming back to the topic at another time. 

You may gently but assertively explain that if they can’t address their snoring at this time, you will be unable to sleep in the same room as them.

Dr. Breus reminds us, “There is data to show that when you sleep next to a snoring bed partner YOU lose an hour or more of sleep, so it’s not just a ‘them’ problem, it’s a ‘we’ problem.”

If you’re having trouble communicating, you may find it helpful to ask a sleep specialist or couples’ therapist to join the conversation.

When to Talk to a Doctor

Encourage your partner to consult a doctor if over-the-counter remedies and lifestyle changes haven’t worked, or if you notice symptoms of obstructive sleep apnea. Ongoing research suggests that both simple snoring as well as OSA may contribute to daytime sleepiness and long-term health problems. 

Snoring is often well above the recommended limits for noise pollution in the bedroom. Sleeping in a noisy environment disrupts sleep and can contribute to hearing loss and long-term effects on heart health for the bed partner, as well as the person who snores.

Complaints from a bed partner are one of the most common reasons people seek treatment for snoring, and couples who work together to address snoring have more success. Women in particular are less likely to seek treatment for snoring and sleep apnea. Telling your partner that they’re snoring and encouraging them to seek help can be a vital step on the way to them getting treatment.

On the other hand, if your partner has sought treatment for snoring, and testing has found they do not snore, you yourself might have an undiagnosed sleep disorder that makes you extra-sensitive to sleep disruptions. In this case, you should also seek advice from a doctor.